Ragamuffin Lips
by soulache
Summary: and then she was kissing him. PamJim pairing is there another kind? not a oneshot. more chapters to come!
1. She Saw Truth In His Eyes

The mornings were always the hardest for Pam. Her fiance Roy would wake her with a nudge to the shoulder, and by the time she was out of the shower he had already left for work. The house was quiet, and it was easy for her to imagine any sort of life she wanted without him. Mostly, she imagined things she shouldn't, things that hurt her in the end. She found she truly had a masochist streak when it came to yearning for could've been. Should've beens.

Anyone could see it in the office, in fact many had. Jim Halpert, her bestfriend Jim. He was the life she imagined for herself. The notion that kept her going during the bleak moments in her life. Somewhere in the back of Pam's mind she had thought some how, some way they would find eachother. They would have their happily ever after. It was a silly thought because she knew Jim wasn't a possibility. He was a sweet guy, he wasn't interested in her. She had seen him do many nice things for various people he didn't even seem to care that much for. And he did care for her which made him do many nice things for her. That was all.

The mornings were always the hardest for Pam, and this morning was of no exception. She stared at her curling hair in the mirror, and she could almost imagine Jim standing behind her. His large hand on her shoulder, making her feel soft and delicate. And he would smile at her, his hair sticking every which way and he would whisper something to her. Something, anything. Probably something ridiculous in a romantic voice to make her laugh. He would lean down to kiss her neck, she knew his lips would be as soft as they looked. And she would simply melt.

Shaking herself out of the dream that was causing a hollow ache inside of her chest she headed towards the bedroom to find her shoes. Pam was situating herself in the car moments after, driving too fast as she had let herself linger much too long in her dream world. Quickly she pulled into the parking lot when she approached the Dunder Mifflin building, and exited her car.

"Beesly!" Her heart tripped, just like the romance novels she secretly devoured. She heard his long stride, his shoe hit a puddle. "Dammit Beesly. My foot is soaked now. How much do you want to bet that I can convince Dwight I'm dissolving limb by limb into water?"

He caught up to her and bumped her affectionately with his shoulder. "It depends. What kind of back story are you going to put into it? Like is it some sort of super power? Wait, that doesn't even make sense. What would you be? The Incredible Puddle Boy?"

"Boy? I'm a man, Pam. I don't think I've been called a boy since I reached the 6 foot mark," he said as his infamous tilted smile played on his face. She looked at him from his feet, to his head and had to admit it was quite a journey.

She shrugged her shoulders at him and grimaced. "You have boy-like qualities."

"Such as?" He asked as he opened the door for her, and she didn't miss when he layed his hand on the small of her back to guide her in first. They pushed the elevator button and waited.

"Well, not many grown men know how to put objects in jello. Or write ransom notes for bobble head dolls. Not to mention your hair."

"Oh my god! Is something wrong with my hair?!" Jim asked in mock horror and he batted down the pieces, it didn't do much. They stuck right back where they had been before and it made her smile.

"No, it's just not the most grown-up style." She nibbled on her lip as she watched him tilt his head to consider what she was saying.

"Should I get it cut?" He seemed sincere, and it worried her.

"No!"

He laughed. Her voice was emphatic, and a little louder than she had meant it to be. She could feel herself blushing under his stare. The elevator finally opened and they stepped in. The doors closed and they stood in silence for a second before Jim felt the need to speak again.

"So, I shouldn't cut the hair then?"

"No. I've grown attatched to it." She stood on her tip-toes to grab a soft piece between her tiny fingertips. Jim's breathing seemed a little uneven at her unusual closenees. And suddenly, before she had time to see him move his hand was clapped on her wrist. Not tightly, but forcefully. His slightly calloused thumb rubbed against her inner wrist, and she felt a shiver down her spine. The doors dinged, and she tugged away guiltily but not before looking in his eyes. She saw something there, something she had never seen before. Something she was sure she was never meant to see.

It changed everything.


	2. The First Day Of His Life

_Roy's. Roy's. Roy's. Roy's._

It was a never-ending litany inside of Jim's mind as he sat at his desk, staring blankly at his computer screen. It took everything he had not to look up and into the eyes of the receptonist. He continued to aimlessly click away at the keys on his keyboard as his mind wandered back to the first time he saw her. It was her first day working there and she looked apprehensive, a little scared. She was beautiful though, and it seemed to strike him right in the middle of his heart. Something tugged him towards her, and it wasn't until after that fateful lunch did he find out she was taken. Roy's. His mind sneered at the name, actually sneered, not something his face was accoustmed to doing. His heart was another matter entirely though.

His mind shut down in the elevator. Pam was touching him, his hair. Her face was tilted towards him, and he could smell her sweet breath. His hand had shot out to her wrist. The sound of the doors had saved her. He had been about to push her against the elevator wall, and kiss her. Kiss her senseless, kiss her stunned. Jim wanted to trace her bottom lip with his tongue. He wanted to take his time and show her tenderness and fire. He wanted to show her things he knew Roy could never show her because he simply did not love her like he did.

He loved Pam. It wasn't a revelation. He had loved Pam for a long time, and he couldn't imagine ever loving someone else. It hurt. Watching her smile hurt. Watching her cross her legs hurt. Watching her be with someone else hurt. It hurt knowing had he only met her sooner... 

Jim shook himself from the futility of his thoughts. Things don't always work out the way you wanted them to, and though he wanted to gain the courage to tell her he loved her, tell her to be with him, he was losing hope. Every day she went home with Roy she seemed to move just a little bit further out of his grasp, and adding the fact that he hadn't even outstretched his arm to her it seemed twice as far. There was something though. He saw it when he was looking at her, she had leaned just a fraction closer to him and her eyelids had drooped slightly. Maybe he was just seeing things.

Jim walked over to accounting and handed some of his papers to Oscar when he read a mini plaque on his desk. It was a very common platitude, one he had never really cared for much: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." But the moment he read it, it hit him. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep loving Pam, he couldn't keep secretly yearning for her. He was done. She was with Roy, and he was alone. And today was the first day of the rest of his life. They would be friends. Just friends.

He lengthened his gait to reach the reception desk, he leaned on it and grabbed a few jellybeans. "Hey Pam. Listen, I'm really sorry about what happened in the -"

"Don't." He watched Pam shake her head. The light played on her hair, slid down the strands. He cursed himself and tried to focus on her forehead, knowing if he looked into her eyes he would be lost. But when that single word penetrated through the fog of his desire panic licked at him.

"No. Really Pam, I need to apolo-"

"Don't," she repeated firmly. She stood up and took a sheet of paper over the copier and angrily pushed at the buttons. Jim was beginning to grow more and more afraid that he had crossed some unspoken line.

"Would you please just let me apologize? We're friends, Beesly." 

"Don't."

Jim's insides hurt. He watched her walk back to her desk, and couldn't do anything to stop her. Everything he had with her had fallen apart. No happy ending. Not even a friendship. No Pam Beesly. No more office pranks. No more looking up to see her drawing, playing solitare, smothering a laugh behind her hand as Michael ranted on and on.

He felt sick. 

The hours passed slowly, but finally the day had come to an end. The feeling in Jim's stomach had only gotten worse. There was this awful hollow, and somehow twisting pain. It made him think of phantom limbs, like Pam had been a part of him and now she was gone. He was feeling a ghost pain. The thought didn't help it any. Lost in his mind for several more minutes he surfaced to find himself almost completely alone. Pam was still at her desk.

As he was powering down his computer he saw her stop infront of him. "Listen Jim, we really need to talk about this. Do you mind if we go to your place? I never got to really see much of the tour with Kevin towering over me." Her half-hearted smile killed him. He could tell she was in doubt, and only could assume that she was thinking of how to break off contact with him as cleanly and pain free as possible considering they worked together.

"Yeah, of course. Do you want to come with me in my car?"

"Sure. I'll just cab back to Dunder Mifflin, it's not very far." 

"Actually, we'll take your car. I'll just walk to work tomorrow. You don't need to be wasting your money on a cab."

Pam smiled and followed him outside and into her car. The ride that followed to his house was very tense, and very silent. They tried to pass some jokes between the two of them but they seemed to fall flat within the first minute and then the quiet set in. When they reached his place she inquired if Mark was home, and he told her that Mark was working still and she simply nodded.

They reached the door and Jim turned to shut it. When he turned around he found Pam so close to him that she almost lost her balance when his body had moved. He looked down at her, as she was looking up with him with a very intent and determined expression. It was really adorable. He groaned inwardly and began trying to focus on her forehead once more. It didn't work, so he gave up and drank her in.

"Pam, what're you doing?" Jim asked a little nervously as he ran his hand through his mussed hair. It was obvious he was referring to the proximity, especially after the incident in the elevator which had clearly upset her.

"I know you said we're friends, so you're just going to have to forgive me."

"Forgive you for -"

Jim was cut off when Pam closed the small step that was between them by launching herself at him. Her lips were on his and they took away his words. It was everything he had imagined since the Dundies, except better. She tasted like berries, mixed berries. Her tongue darted into his mouth, and he nearly died. It was playful, and passionate, and warm. She bit down on his bottom lip when his hands grabbed her butt, pulling her up against him so they didn't have to strain to reach one another. And she melted in his arms when he ran his tongue along the underside of her swollen lip. All he could hear was her catching breath and an endless litany of:

_Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine._


	3. My Heart Is Yours To Fill Or Burst

Shock wore into Pam's mind but she couldn't stop herself. Before she could blink and before Jim could finish his sentence she was pressing her lips against his. She waited for his rejection, for his large hands pushing her away while whispering, "Just friends, Beesly." It didn't happen. His hands were too busy sliding in her hair, down her back, over her bottom. She couldn't get close enough to him, and apparently the feeling was mutual as he hauled her up off the floor and turned to press her against the door. He used his lower half to keep her weight up, and she automatically wrapped her legs around him.

She couldn't process this.

Jim Halpet was kissing her boneless. His tongue was in her mouth, tracing her lips. His teeth were grazing, nibbling. And his hands, God, she loved his hands. They were always at the right place at the right time with the right pressure. It was if they were made for eachother. His lips travelled up the ivory column of her neck and down to her collarbone. They were soulmates, she thought fantastically. Some day she would marry -

MARRY. Marriage. Roy. She had to leave Roy, and come back. Back to Jim.

The ring had never felt colder on her finger. She couldn't be doing this. She could feel Jim's erection pressed eagerly against her, and she couldn't help but still move herself against him during this realization. She had to stop. She had to stop this, and find Roy. She had to tell Roy they were over. She had to taste Jim one last time. Pam grabbed his ears and gently tugged his face towards hers, kissed him softly.

"Jim," she said as they broke apart, "you have to let me down."

"Let you..." he sounded completely dumbfounded. The look on his face was of complete confusion. And then something flickered in his gaze. Shame. Pam's stomach dropped. He was ashamed of kissing her, of being with her. He didn't love her, he didn't even like her.

She was stupid.

"Let me down, Jim! Now!" Her voice was steel but breaking. She could feel the tears building in the backs of her eyes so she began to blink furiously. He put his hands testingly on her hips and let her slide down him.

"Pam, I'm so -" 

"How many times am I going to have to say _don't_ today?! _I_ kissed _you_. _I_ jumped _you_. It was a big mistake, a giant mistake. _I'm sorry_. I didn't know." She was tearing across his livingroom looking for where she had left her jacket.

Jim's hand grasped her shoulder and turned her to him, his eyes were searching her pale face. "You didn't know what, Pam?" He asked softly.

"It was stupid." She shook her head vehemently, as if the simple act could erase their kiss. His taste. The memory that will be sure to last for the rest of her life of the best thing she could never have. Jim had been kissing her back but he must have been shocked. Afraid of hurting her feelings. God, he could've just even been horny. She cringed at the thought of her bestfriend just using her like that, without thinking about it until it was too late. "I'm stupid."

"You're not stu-"

"I am. I'm the world's biggest idiot. God, now there's a Dundie I certainly earned."

Jim's hands that she had been so admiring, and grateful for cupped her cooling cheeks. Now the touch only hurt and she shirked from the contact and he looked hurt. Regret, she thought. There was more than enough of that to go around right now.

"Pam. You're not stupid," his voice was soft, full of doubt.

"I have to go. Just forget this, please." _Just forget me, _her voice whispered in her mind. She left, and briefly she could hear him calling her name but quickly enough she was in her car and heading home.

She still had to call off her engagment with Roy, and she was not looking forward to it. But she couldn't be with him knowing she didn't love him. It wasn't fair to him, and it wasn't fair to her. She deserved someone who would give her his whole heart, and that man deserved nothing less than her whole heart.

The only problem was she left most of it in Jim's hands tonight.


	4. Realizations Of The Ringless Left Finger

It was the next day after Pam had kissed him, and Jim still couldn't help but press his fingertips against his lips throughout the day. It was as if they hadn't stopped tingling since her mouth had brushed his. Devoured his, really. He still couldn't figure out what had went wrong. She had kissed him. That much was for sure, after all, it would have been be hard to miss. She was in his arms. Pam, for God's sake was in his arms kissing him. And then next thing he knew she was gone. What had he done wrong?

Sure, it wasn't perfect. It wasn't what he pictured their first kiss to be like. Though he would never admit it to anyone else as it just wouldn't be masculine he had imagined their first kiss. It would be raining, and he would be sitting at home watching television not really paying attention. There would then be a knock on the door, and he would be annoyed at having to get up to answer it. Then almost soaked to the bones would be Pam. His Pam. And she would tell him that she had broken up with Roy, that it was stupid of her to be with Roy. That she loved him, and his hands would slide up to her neck and pull her towards him. He would kiss her.

Yes, he was a bit of a tradionalist. Boy kisses girl the first time. Boy pays for dinner. Boy opens door. Boy pulls ridiculous pranks to make girl giggle when her fiance is being an ass. Boy pulls ridiculous pranks to make girl giggle at all. It did wear at him a bit. Pam had made the first move. Little Pam Beesly had beat him to the punch. Maybe she was much fancier than he had ever given her credit for.

One thing for certain was that their friendship would never go back to how it was before. Now there was hope. Maybe he was a sucker for unrequited love but her actions screamed at him to fight for her. Even if it was only for a few minutes in a lapse of her judgment she had wanted him. While he knew her, he still couldn't quite get into her mind. What had made her bolt. What had made her say those cryptic things. He would figure it out. He had to.

Jim grabbed his jacket on the way out the door, slung his bag over his shoulder and started his walk towards work. The weather was nice, and the walk passed a lot faster than he had originally thought it would. He found himself at the Dunder-Mifflin parking much too early, and only saw one car there. Pam's. He wondered what she would be doing at work almost more than a half hour early.

He passed her car, expecting for her to already be in the building. She isn't. A piece of her curly hair catches his eye, and he sees that Pam is sleeping. Curled up in the back of her car. Shock settles over him as he sees that she is wearing the exact same thing as when she left his house. Had she spent the night here? Why the hell hadn't she come to him if something had happened? What could have happened? 

He tapped lightly on her window and loudly called her name. He watched her bolt upright which under any other circumstances would've been amusing but she looked awful. Worse than he could've ever imagined Pam looking. She was still beautiful, of course, but then she always would be to him.

"Pam? Did you sleep in your car?"

"Jim?" She asks blurry eyed. When she does manage to open them and focus he notices they are swollen and bloodshot. He winced at the thought that his actions, whether or not she started them, had caused her a moment's pain. She leans over to unlock the door, and in a move that obviously surprised her, slid into the space next to her.

"Pam, did you sleep in your car last night? Don't you have a bed, and a home?" And a loving fiance, his inner sneering voice reminded.

She reached up to fix her hair, and when she did what Jim didn't see floored him. No glare of gold. No gold at all. No ring. No ring. Roy's ring was gone. Her finger was bare. Could this mean what he hoped it meant?

"It's a long story, Jim." Her voice sounds tired. Almost angry, at him he supposed.

"I think you lost your ring," he whispered. He saw pain flicker briefly against her delicate features and saw a slight shake of her head.

"I lost a lot more than my ring, Jim."

His heart soared. It was completely inappropriate. It was awful to be so completely euphorically happy to know that the girl of your dreams had to have just had her heart broken. Had slept in her car. Her fucking car. Roy was a bastard. "What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean? I lost Roy, not that I ever wanted him but he was safe. I lost that safety. I lost my house, my things. He freaked out, I'm afraid to go back. I slept in my car. I lost my plans for my future, and - "

"Jesus Pam, he didn't hurt you did he?"

"And -"

"Pam! I'm serious, did he hurt you?"

"And - "

"You should've came to me! You should've came back to my place, Pam! You should've came to me," his voice broke as he whispered the last part and when his mouth opened to continue she clamped her hand over it.

"And you know what? None of that matters, really. None of that means a damn thing right now," she muttered as she grabbed her purse and fished in it until she had her keys out. "The worst of it is that even though you're here, and even though you'll always be my bestfriend... I lost _you_. 

I'll never be able to forgive myself for that."


	5. Of Jellybeans And White Flags

One. Two. Three. Four.

Four red jellybeans left in Pam's candy dish. The hours kept dragging on, and she watched the jellybeans sit. Continued to count them as if on the twenty-sixth count the number would somehow magically change, and it would be five red jellybeans, and that would change everything. One. Two. Three. Four. Still only four red jellybeans immeresed in a dish filled with other coloured candies. The same but different. Like her and Jim's relationship after that fateful kiss. She shook her head knowing that if she was finding hiding meaning in the communal candy dish that she wasn't working hard enough.

The phone rang jolting her out of her despairing trance. She decided to pick it up on the third ring. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hi Pam. I'm glad I caught you. There's an urgent matter we need to discuss," said an all too familiar voice on the other line. Pam's breath caught as she was overwhelmed head to toe with Jim. His voice filtered through her sensitive ears making her shiver deliciously. He surrounded her and she was more than willing to drown in the teasing tone she hadn't heard in oh so long.

"And what would this concern?" She asked, idly wraping the phone's cord around her thin finger.

"I don't know if you're aware of this but Dwight just inadvertantly admitted he believed in ghosts and other _paranormal activities_," his voice shaped eerily close to Dwight's at the last two words, "and I was thinking that we need to sharpen our team skills. I mean, we need to provide a united front! Let's face it, Beesly. We've been slipping."

She smiled widely and saw his eyes quickly find hers and then discreetly look away. Part of her was glad that they were finally talking the way they used to, glad that things could go back to normal so fast for them. Another secret part of her that she would never reveal was disappointed. Disappointed that her decloration hadn't shifted his world, turned his life around, forced him to see her. If you can't have one, she told herself, cherish the other.

"I could bring in my old halloween welcome mat that makes ghost noises when you step on it," she found herself offering. Her voice sounded like her old voice, droll and self-depriciating.

"I don't know..."

"_Consider it?_"

She pressed the phone against her ear harder as if it were a seashell when she heard the echo of Jim's warm laughter. 


End file.
